ED - lovely destruction

the last post that remains is from April. It use to be a more recent, a lot more recent, i believe ? But after my ex found this account I tried deleting all the entries in a manic panic. Silly me didn't realize that I couldn't simply delete this ED out of my life, and soon desisted, minus 10+ entries I believe. I started summer at 110 lb, now I'm at 128lb. I use to think that those who regained their weight were weak and ridiculous. Who the hell regains all that she's lost ? Why didn't she realize what was up even at 115lb? or even 120lb?

I went to Taiwan for the summer, restricted for 1.5 weeks and went on a chronic binge. I ate everything in sight, and travelled at lengths to garner more food. Every other thought was to push the concern and anxiety of the creeping weight gain to the back of my mind, and to Aug. when I'll finally have returned to the US. But since returning, I've pushed it even further to the start of the school yr, and so forth, until I'm left at 128lb. disgusting.

More depressed and fat than ever. At least my current bf supports me in my weight loss. Coming back is inspiring. I hope I put this winter break to good use.

Last night I told the 2nd person ever about my ED, in real life i mean. He took it... kinda well. Didnd't freak out that bad but was definitely concerned. It was relieving to finally tell someone about it, but I wonder whether he views me differently now. I just wanted someone to talk with and has no intention of stopping. He asked me to stop, but really, wouldn't I stop if i could? Didn't say that though, it would've sounded bitchy. Turned out he's got some probs himself, mostly problematic parents. Made me feel ashamed though, since he's been through more than me and came out strong while I didn't come out so well. Anyhow...

Mon:
Worked out 1,700 cal @ the gym. Stayed for approximately 3 hrs, I believe.

Tues: fast day & maybe coffee
Planning on working out around 6:40 pm after class.

I'm sad. I wanna be 15 again, when things were relatively simple and before it all went haywire.

I wish I'm born in the 90's.

I need to plan out tmrw, just so I know it'll be okay.

8:45 AM: breakfast> egg whites & fruit
9:30 AM - 10:45 : Econ class
11:00 AM - 12:15 PM: Mus class
1PM - 4 PM : GYM
5:00 PM - 6:30 PM : AS AM class
7 PM - 9 PM: GYM

ahhhhhhhhh. I HATE MYSELF.

someone help. i feel so hopeless, so utterly dejected and suicidal. right now I'm crying for no reason. i feel like I need to cry, but there's no reason to do so. sure, my mom just told me that our summer plan made not work out, but it's not as if I wanted to go that badly anyways. the fullness of my stomach bothers me, my boy bothers me, in fact everyone annoys me. i feel so out of touch, as if i'm utterly alone. i already know i'm purging tonight, just because i need the release.

i thought i'd feel less alone when i'm back home, but no, i feel equally alone. i feel ugly and fat, completely undesirable. i have suicidal thoughts floating thru my head, and i'm tempted, except then i'd hurt two people that dont' deserve this hurt. they've invested so much into me, and done so much for me. it'd be some kinda reward to find my limp lifeless body on the floor.

i want to go break up with my bf right now. partly b/c he annoys me and partly so i can make myself feel even worse. i want to punish myself and put myself in misery. i'm struck with the horror of my instability. who am i? since when did i become like this? it's terrifying.

I'm ready to recover.

I officially announce that I'm done with pigging out. It does nothing but bring depression and misery. I will eat, but only until I'm full and not beyond. Whenever I eat, I'll reach the point where I consciously voice within my mind "I'm full". This message only comes once, and will never again cross my mind once I push it aside and continue plowing into the food. I'm honestly going to stop. I need to. This is bringing me insanity and extreme unhappiness.

Not like any of that wanst' obvious, but I just needed to make it official.

I'm fasting until the next time I see him.  Big words haha... i can still remember countless nights when I felt so empowered that I'm deluded into thinking I can fast forever only to binge the next day. Well, I feel so empty without him that... I really should lack the will to eat.

On another note, I dind't feel that close to him this past weekend, I dont' know what it was. When I'm eating lots I feel so happy and aboslutely positive, but when I'm fasting or eating less I'm hostile. =_= That may be why I was feeling less loving, but in any case... it was such a personality change. 0_0

It's fri and I'm at my bf's again for the weekend. I'm proud to say that I did well for the first time being here alone. Instead of my usual guaranteed binging. Instead I only had one orange and a cup of edadme since this morning. Originally I warmed up the leftover fried rice, but when I took it out of the microwave I became afraid and started questioning myself. If I were to eat that, all my previous effort of resistance would go to waste. The fear was short lived, but it struck so hard that... I was literally afraid. Such a weird feeling. I ended up flushing it down the procelain bowl. Bf's home...

I feel sad and lonely again, but not in a falling into insanity kind of way. Going home was a mental booster for me, it kicked me out of my weird life cycle and sort of made me realize my sudden intense love for my bf. It was simply that he was the only person in my life. 0_0 And the only one that I could lavish attention upon and etc etc.. It's so silly, but it feels as if I just remembered that my mom loves me. -_-;;

Going to see bf again this weekend, and I can't wait, cuz that'll mean I'm through with the last of my midterm.

My weightloss has taken a detour as well as U-turn. I'm up at least 4-5 lb for good. It's at times like these that I finally regain mental control. How ironic, huh? The lower I go the less control I have. I'm just a mess and blabbering.

Back in my ED world again... after spending 6 days w/bf. I'm at 115.2lb. Dont' know whether to laugh or cry. At least...I ate normal and dind't gain everything back? (everything would be 117 )

Yesterday during dinner, my bf and his friend was talking about a mutual guy friend who use to be real fat back in high school. In my mind I was like what? That guy is absolutely the thinnest and hottest guy ever. And then my bf went on to say that he never eats now. The friend agreed and said that he woulnd't eat for two days and would go to in-n-out and eat two double doubles on the third day. My mind was racing, but I felt so sad for him at the same time. Personally I think he's bulimic. Fasting 2 days really shrinks the stomach, he can't possibly fit those 2 burgers comfortably in one sitting. Did I mention that he smokes like a chimney? All the signs are there.

I hate being apart from my bf now, esp when I'm back in this shithole of a school. He's the only one who keeps me sane and apart from my food madness. I think I focus on my weight because I have nothing better to do. It is an easy diversion from this senseless school life, it keeps me occupied until I see him again. I'm completely reducing it to ... frivolousness, and yet at the same time, it's both more and less. I knwo I dont' make sense, it's complicated. Lmao. It's the first time I'm using that expression cuz it's so corny, but I think it describes the situation perfectly.

I hate my weight, but I cant' seem to find my self control. I eat everything that I come in contact with and ... well, I've simply lost all control. Who knows how much I've gain thanks to the deluge of chocolates from bf and vday. =(  bf's home. update later.

Hi ya'll. Haven't posted at all lately because I've been at my bf's almost the whole last two weeks except mon - wed when I have class. He's such a sweetheart, always asking me to go up and I can't say no (my non-ED side won't let me.) A side effect of being there is my adoption of acompletely different mindset. When I'm up north my mentality is pack away as much food as I can, and I'll simply restrict when I get back, and I'll get back to where I was in no time. The problem is I'm hardly back long for my cal restriction diet to take effect. Admittedly it was so bad last time, (10 lb gain in 4 days) that it'd be hard not to lose. Anyhow, I got back this morning and I'll be going again this Thursday (V-day) until Tues morning, since Monday is prez's day.

I forget about ED when I'm with him.  All we do is eat and watch TV with the occasional trips out to pickup the stuff for his room remodeling. Forgetting the ED is the closest I have come to real happiness, but the whole time I can't stop nibbling/ munching when I'm watching TV. I suppose it's the typical modern obesity epidemic. We went out grocery shopping and I picked up a bag of chips and a box of ferrero. I opened them both the first night, and must've ate 10 ferreros that first night and did away with 1/4 of the chips. I just can't seem to stop eating... i think I have an oral fixation. Even Mike is amazed with the way I down junkfood.... I need to really buckle down this time and eat in moderation.  On a pathetic flashback, I binged on Friday while he was away at work. He lives with his aunt, and they have their groceries as well, even though it's not off limits to us. I discovered my recent fetish for asian bread...omg... ahhh.. it's so frustrating, esp since I use to HATE bread and thought they're the blandest thing in the world, now I can't get enough of the soft fluffiness nor the chewy texture. Long story short, I tried to fast until he gets back, because then at least I'll only be having one meal a day. My fast lasted for approximately 2 hrs, before I went rummaging in the kitchen. I found and orange and ate that, extremely satisfied with myself. 2 hrs later I was digging around in the fridge, and that ended with a lean pocket. Half an hr later I ate a slice of leftover pizza and one wing. By then it was over, all I wanted to do was find all the food I can to stuff my face. I went back to the fridge and polished the only two pork buns in there (aunt's grocery), ate some bread, ate 5 ginger cookies, omg... the list is too ridiculous. I can't believe I binged at his house, esp since that'll very well rouse suspicions with all the food gone. AHHH. I'm so worried now.

To top it off... last week I purged in my dorm room sink. Today when I came back I saw a sticky note on my door that my suitemate left. It says not to dump food in the sink or housekeeping is going to charge us $100 next time they have to unclogg it. 0________0 omg. I have a slight suspicion that my roomate knows I purge. But not having contact with ppl of ED in general, she might not even know what she saw. It wasnt very obvious, she just happend to walk in on me while I was trying to clean up and had... a bit of vomit on my shirt. ugh. It was in the shower too... anyways. I think I'm being hopeful, but who knows.

I'm going to try to be good. I need to lose this weight.

115 this morning. Sigh ~ 

My panic has resided now that the numbers are going down, but I wonder how hard is it to go back down to 110. I really want it, I need it.

Today's been such an odd day. Where do i start. I rose at 5 AM to catch the plane back to SB. I managed to resist food until 2 pm when I got out of class. I thought I'd go to the dinning commons and just get some hot tea. On the way out of the restroom I saw some salad, though it couldnt' hurt, and got a plateful. One plateful leads to two, and then as I sat there, I thought about the cookies. I kept hinking about it until before I knew it I went and grabbed three. I was writing before that, but at that point i lost control. I ate the three cookies and thought the world is over. I bought a large muffin and some chocolate on the way back to my dorm. I ate those on the way back, but when i finally got back I wasn't that full. Afterall, I really only had salad, 3 cookies and one muffins. Nothing at all, at least to a binger. That was merely the appetizer. I had planned on purging upon my return, but since I wasn't full I wanted to binge some more, except I had class in an hour. Affter my roomate left for class I left also to the local burrito store, and bought myself a $8 dollar burito. I ate half on the way to class and sat there for a full hour feeling my stomach being stretched ever increasingly larger..

Leaving the class an hour later I bought another muffin on my way to the dinning common for dinner, because I'm in the habit of binging some more when I head back to dorm after the dinning commons. I didn't have that much dinner, but it didn't take much to fill me to bursting point, since the burrito took care most of it already. I ate some misc chicken and pasta and filled myself to bursting with two pieces of pies. I had to struggle to even walk back to the dorm. When I came in my roomate awas taking the shower so I sat at the desk waiting for my pc to turn on, except as I sat there, I realized that now I'm sitting down I could eat some more. So I whipped out the burrito and started working away on it. I ate as much as I could.... I felt like physically dying at this point. Thoughts of the model with the bursted stomach crowded my thoughts. I tossed the remaining burrito when she came out and jumped in the shower to spew everything out. The only positive news I have from the bingign weekend is the return of my gag reflex. 2 days of rest makes the biggest difference. The ability to gag is such a gift. Anyhow, I emptied myself and had a catharthic moment. It was in that moment when I realized that I needed this. Horrendous as it is, I needed the purge to get back on track of my messed up life. I felt so cleansed and refreshed, it was incredible.

I'm hoping I shed some of this weight by tmrw.

wow. i'm the biggest loser ever... or not. That oxymoron was fun. I gained 10 lbs in 4 days. Woohoo. lolz...

I woulnd't think it's possible, but since it's happening on this body of mine, I'm a believer. I've been binging at my bf's for 3 days straight. And I can't stop eating even when I got back, which is today, and 119.6 lb is the result. I binged at lunch I optted to now purge since I probably will want to binge some more at dinner. Yeh... I'm a pig.

FUCK... how'd I become like this? It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. Shiet. AAAAAAAAAh.

Anyhow... all I want to do is keep stuffing my face and not think about it. WOohoo. I'll wake up one day and be horrified, but now I'm just shocked.

I'm contemplating on the JUDD diet. I dont' know how well it's going to work for me, depends on my mind set, i suppose ? I'm feeling ridiculously optimistic right now, so everything seems like the greatest idea ever. But just to focus on the positives for now...

JUDD is basically fast every other day while eating normally every other day. Fasting for one day seems do-able, esp if the end is in sight, and I tend to do really well on short spurts, hence Judd would seem ideal for me.

I'm going to start this next week. I'm going to eat Mon, fast Tues and so forth OR fast Mon, eat Tues, etc... I'll decide when the time comes. I hope I pull this off and dont' go on a binging session. Eating normally hasnt' worked, so now I'm giving diff things a try. 

failure for the day and i dont' feel too bad... but wait til i see the scale tmrw morning.

i felt so resigned at dinner tonight, just thinking that I honestly can't go on without eating something sustaining for at least tonight. As always I ended up eating too much. But interestingly I had bowel movement, so either that meant I ate more than I realized or my bowel is coming back to life without the aid of fiber supplements. I hope it's the latter?

Gaaaaaaaaaaah. I hope i wont' be disappointed tmrw, but I can't help but think I will be. What a conundrum.

I saw the most wonderful movie tonight at Campbell Hall. It's the foreign film, "Lust, Caution" by Ang Lee. It was 2 1/2 hrs long, and so beautiful and sad. Slightly pornographic at times, but nothing us sexual beings can't handle. I'm so glad I went... almost missed out cuz I was being a lazy ass, and finally decided to go at the last minute and had to do a lil jog to get there. (On the subject of jogging, it was actually enjoyable, so I might pick that back up next week. ) The night was freezing when we finally got out at 10 pm, so I made a detour to the Arbor (campus grocery shop) and got a hot chocolate. I only drank 2/3 though and threw the other 1/3 again because it got too sweet and became an overkill.

I made my bf promise sushi for dinner tmrw so at least I know it's something light but we might be drinking tmrw. I havent' drank since last november and am not tempted at all. Gee, why cant' food be like that? =(  In case you guys havne't seen my posts in the communities already, what do you guys do to avoid a binge when you feel it coming on ?  I have NO IDEA whatsoever to do, hence I've been b/p-ing the whole week. -_- Someone save me!

i ate... normally tonight, voluntarily. I'ts ironic how I bitch about mom making me eat when I'm at home, but now that I'm at school I go to the dining common and eat regularly, albeit restricted. I'm b/p-ed today (it feels like a routine now) and my gag reflex is shot, so I couldn't even get everything up. As can be expected... I felt hungry at 5 pm and felt a sweetooth craving, so i made some hot chocolate, but even that didn't help. I checked the online dinner menu and it said appl pie in the dessert section, and my fatass just had to have some. So I went to the dinning commons alone... grabbed a turkey sandwich, caesar salad, and two pieces of apple pies. I guess the only thing that really killed it were the apple pies? Now I wish I dind't have them, they weren't that good anyways. =( Too late though, I had two slices, one big and one small. And now my tummy is being bulgy with all that food and I can't purge, cuz 1). alrdy took a shower tonight and 2) my gag reflex is dead from the weeklong daily purging. I'm so lacking in willpower, this always happens when I'm nearing my goal. Once I start with a goal in mind I'll go strong, until I'm almost near it then I'll grow lax. This feels like the same. I've lost 24 lb since this whole thing started 1 1/2 yr ago, and that's actually quite little, but there was a lot of fluctuation invovled. Anyhow, I need to lose 10 more if not 15, and it just feels so hard, but I shoudl be use to the obstacles by now, it's been equally hard every step of the way, except maybe the first... 5 lb, that was in the discovery phase. My calendar goal is 110 by tmrw, but with this... reg meal, I'll probably pass that. =(  The best scenario I can hope for now is to not binge when I visit bf and eat as normally as I usually do and still maintain 110 when I return on Sunday.

I hope my weight goes down tmrw. I purged tonight and had to go see a dance performance after. I always have an intense choco craving after I purge and today was no exception. After the performance ended I wandered to the on campus grocery store and eyed the banana bread, but what I really wanted was bulk candy/chocolate and that's another store. Fortunately, it was closed, but then I proceeded toward the cafe, and once again I'm faced with the banana bread vs rice krispy treat. I'm so pleased to say that hot choco won out. It was freezing out there, so that took care of that as well. I think I'll start having hot chocolate whenever the sweet tooth strikes. It's definitely lower in calorie than anything I consume. With that under my belt, I'm hoping to see a lil number dropping tmrw morning. Got my fingers crossed. Then it's onward to SF Friday afternoon. And I'm hoping that I dont' undereat or break my vegetarian/ vegan spell. (I've been having egg white though... a lil cheating on the side)