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ED - lovely destruction

starvation - the preferred way

7/12/14 02:43 am - So... I'm back.

This place really is my last refuge, and a dark one at that. I've come so far yet not gone far at all. I've gone further in life than I ever thought possible, only to circle back round again. It's a dark joke and a twisted one. If anyone were to know of this existence now, it surely would leave at everlasting taint.

I wish I wasn't such a chameleon. I read a piece and adopt its style, then mimic until I can't recall myself anymore.

I'm back here because I'm alone again, and drunk. I'm pretty certain I'll never fall into as dark of a despair again, but the thought is frightening. When do I stop making the same mistakes? When do I learn? When do I cease to repeat the cycle? No one has the answer, much less me. I still want happiness, but it's must more within reach than before. I don't need this place. 

12/16/08 04:13 am - where do i even start...

the last post that remains is from April. It use to be a more recent, a lot more recent, i believe ? But after my ex found this account I tried deleting all the entries in a manic panic. Silly me didn't realize that I couldn't simply delete this ED out of my life, and soon desisted, minus 10+ entries I believe. I started summer at 110 lb, now I'm at 128lb. I use to think that those who regained their weight were weak and ridiculous. Who the hell regains all that she's lost ? Why didn't she realize what was up even at 115lb? or even 120lb?

I went to Taiwan for the summer, restricted for 1.5 weeks and went on a chronic binge. I ate everything in sight, and travelled at lengths to garner more food. Every other thought was to push the concern and anxiety of the creeping weight gain to the back of my mind, and to Aug. when I'll finally have returned to the US. But since returning, I've pushed it even further to the start of the school yr, and so forth, until I'm left at 128lb. disgusting.

More depressed and fat than ever. At least my current bf supports me in my weight loss. Coming back is inspiring. I hope I put this winter break to good use.

4/15/08 01:09 pm

Last night I told the 2nd person ever about my ED, in real life i mean. He took it... kinda well. Didnd't freak out that bad but was definitely concerned. It was relieving to finally tell someone about it, but I wonder whether he views me differently now. I just wanted someone to talk with and has no intention of stopping. He asked me to stop, but really, wouldn't I stop if i could? Didn't say that though, it would've sounded bitchy. Turned out he's got some probs himself, mostly problematic parents. Made me feel ashamed though, since he's been through more than me and came out strong while I didn't come out so well. Anyhow...

Mon:
Worked out 1,700 cal @ the gym. Stayed for approximately 3 hrs, I believe.

Tues: fast day & maybe coffee
Planning on working out around 6:40 pm after class.

4/11/08 12:29 am

I'm sad. I wanna be 15 again, when things were relatively simple and before it all went haywire.

I wish I'm born in the 90's.

4/7/08 09:43 pm

I need to plan out tmrw, just so I know it'll be okay.

8:45 AM: breakfast> egg whites & fruit
9:30 AM - 10:45 : Econ class
11:00 AM - 12:15 PM: Mus class
1PM - 4 PM : GYM
5:00 PM - 6:30 PM : AS AM class
7 PM - 9 PM: GYM

ahhhhhhhhh. I HATE MYSELF.

3/25/08 08:18 pm

someone help. i feel so hopeless, so utterly dejected and suicidal. right now I'm crying for no reason. i feel like I need to cry, but there's no reason to do so. sure, my mom just told me that our summer plan made not work out, but it's not as if I wanted to go that badly anyways. the fullness of my stomach bothers me, my boy bothers me, in fact everyone annoys me. i feel so out of touch, as if i'm utterly alone. i already know i'm purging tonight, just because i need the release.

i thought i'd feel less alone when i'm back home, but no, i feel equally alone. i feel ugly and fat, completely undesirable. i have suicidal thoughts floating thru my head, and i'm tempted, except then i'd hurt two people that dont' deserve this hurt. they've invested so much into me, and done so much for me. it'd be some kinda reward to find my limp lifeless body on the floor.

i want to go break up with my bf right now. partly b/c he annoys me and partly so i can make myself feel even worse. i want to punish myself and put myself in misery. i'm struck with the horror of my instability. who am i? since when did i become like this? it's terrifying.

3/16/08 11:00 pm

I'm ready to recover.

3/14/08 08:18 pm - I AM DONE!

I officially announce that I'm done with pigging out. It does nothing but bring depression and misery. I will eat, but only until I'm full and not beyond. Whenever I eat, I'll reach the point where I consciously voice within my mind "I'm full". This message only comes once, and will never again cross my mind once I push it aside and continue plowing into the food. I'm honestly going to stop. I need to. This is bringing me insanity and extreme unhappiness.

Not like any of that wanst' obvious, but I just needed to make it official.

3/3/08 02:05 am

I'm fasting until the next time I see him.  Big words haha... i can still remember countless nights when I felt so empowered that I'm deluded into thinking I can fast forever only to binge the next day. Well, I feel so empty without him that... I really should lack the will to eat.

On another note, I dind't feel that close to him this past weekend, I dont' know what it was. When I'm eating lots I feel so happy and aboslutely positive, but when I'm fasting or eating less I'm hostile. =_= That may be why I was feeling less loving, but in any case... it was such a personality change. 0_0

2/29/08 03:52 pm

It's fri and I'm at my bf's again for the weekend. I'm proud to say that I did well for the first time being here alone. Instead of my usual guaranteed binging. Instead I only had one orange and a cup of edadme since this morning. Originally I warmed up the leftover fried rice, but when I took it out of the microwave I became afraid and started questioning myself. If I were to eat that, all my previous effort of resistance would go to waste. The fear was short lived, but it struck so hard that... I was literally afraid. Such a weird feeling. I ended up flushing it down the procelain bowl. Bf's home...
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